This whole ordeal with Chloe’s fundraiser is astonishing. I can see God’s hand at work in ways that completely blows my mind. It doesn’t seem real to me. Its like a dream. Yet even as I watch this miracle unfold before my very eyes the unsettling thoughts and questions still plague me. Where is the line between covetousness and provision for my family? There are so many others that are facing much tougher trials and difficulties, why aren’t they receiving the miracle? Why me and my family? Surely it is not because of our efforts. This whole thing is so much bigger than us. It seems so unfair.
I had more peace about Chloe’s disability when I came to the point of accepting that it was all my fault. But now, with the riches of God’s grace and kindness being poured out upon us, I feel so unworthy. Something inside me wants to return to the time when I was content with having little because I don’t know if I can handle being content with much. I’ve never had much therefore I’m comfortable with that. But I know that to whom much is given much is expected and I don’t know if I’m ready. Abba thinks I am and I know I should trust Him but it’s not Him I’m worried about, it is me.
If I were the only player in the game I would just as soon push all my chips into the pot and fold but I have a daughter who needs me to keep my poker face on. She needs me to stop thinking about myself and think about her and her needs. God as obviously overlooked my inadequacies in order to bless her. She needs me to see myself through His eyes and let grace be grace. But that is the thing about grace…to the natural mind it is unbelievable. We just have to take it for what it is. I mean really, if I can believe that God would give His only Son for me, why is it so hard to believe he would give all these blessings to my daughter? Because I know how unworthy I am, that’s why. And that reveals how much I really don’t understand the grace of God yet. There is much about the riches of His grace that we have yet to receive.
Oh the breadth and the depth of His unsearchable riches toward us in Christ. How far His ways are past finding out. How overwhelmingly blessed we are to be vessels of God’s mercy. Sometimes it is simply too much.
Put yourself in my shoes, how would you feel?
You ask good questions, Bobby. I couldn't possibly understand where you are at with your daughter being sick, but have asked God why he would give me and my family the provision he has when so many others lack. Not sure this is satisfying to you but I have given up on trying to figure it out and instead say "I don't know" and "Thank you". And then we do our best to be generous in giving as we are able. It doesn't answer the questions you have...not sure I or any body else can. I have my opinions, but will keep them to myself as that is all they are.
ReplyDeleteSo I affirm both your feelings and your questions. Know that you are not the only one who struggles with them. But remember that the generosity that you have been shown can be paid forward as well. I'm sure you already knew that though. :)
You're absolutely right Shane. In fact, one of the main reasons why we started the fundraising and non-profit stuff in the first place was to get some experience under our belt in order to have a way to bless others who found themselves in a situation similar to ours. The progress of that desire coming to fruition has been phenomenal. "Thank you" is the only suitable response I can muster but it still doesn't seem good enough.
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